From Weakness, To Purpose

Like anyone else I have my flaws, I have my worries and I have my weaknesses. But it is not what these faults are that define you and your place in the world, it's what you do with them that ultimately constructs who you are.

I am someone who constantly worries about what others may think of me. I would probably consider this my biggest weakness. I only confronted this idea recently and have really made it an area of focus in my self growth. I have come to understand that I let my past experiences of judgement and pain shape how I see the world today and ultimately myself. I don't mean to, it just happens subconsciously. I think about all the amazing things I want to achieve and although I am excited to start my journey of self exploration and my own side hustles and business, I find myself at times doing half the job. I catch myself really in my head, thinking about how the rest of the world may see me, will they recognise me as a fraud, will they call me out and point to the fact that I don't have all the answers, that I am young, that although I am passionate and enthusiastic, I don't have all the life experience to back up my ideas, thoughts and dreams?

My biggest weakness is constantly caring what other people think of me

I started my online health journey as a quiet one. I created this blog and worked on it in stolen moments between my everyday life. I created a new Instagram account and hid it from all of my friends and loved ones because I was afraid. I was afraid that their opinions and possible judgement would be negative and would cloud my reasons for starting this venture. I was even scared of my own failure, if no one knew I started, then no one would know if I didn't make it. I felt a driving need to start creating and speaking to the world, but I was petrified of being chewed up and spat out.

It wasn't until one day my partner woke up earlier than I expected, peered over my shoulder and saw that I was writing something on my computer. I don't know how long he was there or if he read any of it. At the time I was spilling my heart into a word document, exploring the boundaries my own little world. After startling me he asked me one simple question that had me bursting into a sweat and stuttering, "What are you doing?"

I felt my heart sink and I held my breath. I confessed to him that I was working on a blog, that I had a new Instagram, that I wanted to explore myself and the idea of health and wellness. I explained that I wanted to be an example, a point of inspiration and encouragement and possibly help others who might feel the same. I waited for his gorgeous morning smile to turn into a laugh. I expected him to brush off my dreams and passion, to tell me move on with my life and that it was a wild and silly idea. I was waiting for all of these things because my mind had told me that this wasn't my area, that other people could do this but I couldn't. I couldn't be my own champion, I couldn't share my experiences, who would want to read this, who would even care? 

As I held my breath I realised his smile was changing, but rather than starting to laugh at me he seemed to be looking at me with admiration and was proud. He told me to keep up the good work, kissed me and moved to the kitchen to make us breakfast. In this moment I noticed that I was holding my breath, and with the next inhale I took not only did it hold a great amount of relief but also confusion. Why did I assume that the man I call my partner would ever be cruel, or discourage my hopes and dreams? What was it that had me so convinced he would? It was in this moment that I began to see that the way I was viewing the world may not be quite right.

Now don't be fooled, this one incredible, supportive and precious moment did not smash my inner para-dime. In fact a few weeks later my thoughts and fears were enforced as someone who I love and hold very close, in the face of a project I was proud of proceeded to make horrible judgements on my appearance. One of the chinks in my armour is my skin and in particular the cystic acne I have on my chin. I have for the last few years, suffered large, painful, throbbing red blind pimples, I could never pop them and once they did finally seem to reside I would be left with large purple scars. I have been extremely self conscious about this and it brought me to tears to know that out of all the things I was working on, everything I stood for and wanted to achieve, all the things I said in this interview and after all the amazing support I had received from others, the first and only thing I remember from this conversation was how horrible I looked on camera and how bad my chin looked.

Thank god I have my hugely supportive and caring partner beside me because he wiped my tears and held me strong. He helped me see that there will be set backs and life isn't always positive but it is what you do with those negatives that set you apart. I could have quit then and moved on, given up on my dreams and carried on living a life that didn't quite light me up, but then, why? Because of one bad comment? The sad part is I really may have quit if it hadn't already gone public with my ventures and now had a measure of accountability. 

With the support of others and the drive to take control of my life, I have decided I will prove the naysayers wrong. I will create the change I want to see and I will strive to help others along the way to do the same. I will be the support that others may not have in their own lives. I know I am extremely lucky to have this in my partner and I honestly wouldn't be the person I am today if he wasn't always there constantly rooting for me! It makes me sick to think that others may only be surrounded by people who are going to be negative and hold them back, and it makes me want to scream that there are some people who are giving into that pressure. If you are someone who has a dream, wants to make a difference, needs some extra support, please please please reach out to me!!! I have a contact box on this site, I have Facebook and Instagram. There are so many ways in which you can communicate with me. I want you to know you are not in this on your own, you are incredible and worth the effort, you don't have to apologise or be worried about being your true self. You are the only you, there never was, nor will there ever be another you! No one will ever do your life's work quite the same way you will do it and that makes you incredibly special!

Now I must say, I am not perfect! I still struggle at times with horrible inner voices and nasty thoughts towards myself. I am still afraid of failure and the opinions of some will always hurt. So as much as I hope you are reading this and either relating or taking some benefit, know that this is only the beginning. Know that changing your subconscious beliefs are hard and take time. Also know that I write this as a gorgeous love letter to myself, one to remind me that support is really key and that it is something that I not only appreciate but something I always try to provide. We are all in this crazy life together. Let's lift each other up, give each other the support we need and achieve the most incredible feats together.